Now I know how Cpt Scott felt

Cold and pissed off that somebody had got there before him. Happy was in the fine ale establishment Fanny's when he bumped into someone who had seen the show Happy at the Mill. Hello he said. (A great opener to a conversation I think you'll agree, but somewhat lacking the portent of doom that was about to follow) "I got a programme from City Variety's the other day and some girl is doing your show"

And he was right. Turn's out Lucy Porter is touring a show called Happiness all about (you guessed it) making the audience happy. To add insult to injury it appears she did it at Edinburgh last year. She's also very sexy, something else to pur salt onto my wounds. I'd quite like to diddle my usurper. What this all means for Happy I don't quite know at this moment in time. I don't have the stomach to go and see it myself so my lovely gorgeous girlfriend has offered to go and see it and give me the sad miserable lowdown.

I think my show may now be called misery and be all about my rubbish attempts to do Happy.

Boo and Hiss.